I’ve never had a good experiences with my Ego. Not talking about “ego”, as in arrogance or pride. I think for some or many people the Ego serves them well. It helps drive their ambition, thrive in a competitive environment, or even just function in a practical capacity. My Ego has always felt uneasy, uncomfortable, awkward, it felt like it wasn’t me. I see for many people the Ego helps drive success and achievement. And for me somehow it would always backfire, end in embarassment, feel exposed or even ridicule. Most people if not all, at a conscious or subconsious level, know when people are operating with their Ego and enjoy watching anyone else’s Ego crash and burn. So I never really trusted my Ego. Something I tried to stay away from, even though it would still get the best of me.
I think most people are most comfortable relating at the superficial level, interacting with each other’s Egos. Talking about sports, stocks, politics, business, celebrity gossip, etc. is a way to engage at a superficial level, exchanging at the topographical abstract not having to make thoughts or feelings literal. Most people want to exchange at this frequency because going deeper is uncomfortable, getting literal, direct is something people don’t practice with themselves let alone want to do with people they barely know. Maybe it’s judgment. Let’s talk about things that we can’t judge ourselves over.
So I’ve come to know or at least become aware of what this “thing” is. This state that made me feel uncomfortable, lead me toward “self-destruction”. Why the Ego manifests, how and where it comes from. Where it gets its power. It’s made me feel less of a need to avoid it or see it as completely detrimental. The Ego is agnostic, it’s a matter of where it gets its power from that determines the color of its energy. The Ego can simply be like the clothes you wear, a tool, a car, uniform something you put on our use, think of the Iron Man suit. But that’s the key, the Ego is something we should control not the other way around – not the Ego controlling us.
As I’ve become less afraid and wary of the Ego, maybe there’s a way to harness it. Maybe it’s not so much a monster, well it is a monster if we don’t know what it is and can’t control it. Maybe the Ego is more of a wild stallion, an unbridled power that can be harnessed and tamed but bleed into the edge of the wild and unknown. A force of nature with untamed raw energy.