JONGSON PARK

Fear is the most vulnerable, inner-most soul of who we are. Whatever specific fears we might have, however they might look like. They are rooted in our most primal fear of separation, rejection, judgment. The fear, thousands of years of social and communal existence has taught us, being separated, cast out, exiled from the tribe is as good as death. The ultimate form of rejection and judgment. Whether a transgression detrimental to the tribe or not being able to contribute to the tribe’s survival or even for just being different.

Ego feeds off the fear. The Ego is the defense mechanism. It hides the fear. Protects the fear. The Ego is not just an over-inflated sense of value or self-importance or an exaggerated over-confidence and power-trips, full of repeated arrogant decisions. The Ego can become like that, a monster as we say, obvious and easily recognized.

But the Ego is also more subtle, nuanced, hidden in plain sight. The Ego is driven, motivated, empowered by fear. Any decision, action, thought based on fear is the Ego acting on behalf of fear for the sake of its own survival. The Ego comes alive because of the fear, when the Ego comes into existence, it does whatever it takes to keep itself alive, which ultimately means keeping the fear alive and real because it is its source – protecting it, hiding it, masking it.

The Ego itself is like its own living breathing entity, keyed on surviving. It creates a belief system, a set of rules, parameters around what it thinks will allay those fears and ensure its survival by making sure those fears don’t come true, but at the same time keeping those fears alive just by maintaining the system – and hence keeping the Ego in existence, ensuring its own survival.

i.e. A child afraid of their parent’s disapproval. In the child’s ego mind, they believe they must become “successful” to gain their parent’s approval. So they work hard to get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job and onto more “successful” accomplishments. But maintenance of this belief system never removes the fear, it just keeps the scenario they’re afraid of from coming true but at the same time keeps the fear alive and even more “real” by emphasizing and reiterating it by using the belief system to define and inform their actions, thoughts and decisions.

The fear gives rise to the Ego, the Ego creates the system, the Ego becomes the system, establishing and feeding itself into existence.

But this Ego/Fear loop system doesn’t just reside in our biggest life decisions in career, self, relationships. We can also find them in some of our most mundane and everyday interactions. Whatever those fears may be, they are usually based around some form of separation, rejection, judgment. The Ego seeks actions that result in conformity, acceptance, validation.

It’s fascinating to think about and question the ripples we are living in. The ripples of past decisions, actions, successes, failures, hope, courage, faith, love… fear.

Fear, that’s the biggest ripple.

Like ripples in the water, emanating from a single point of disruption, spreading, extending out in waves, lapping each other, over and over until it spreads so that one instant in the past, now transcends a lasting affect into the future.

Our fears but not just our fears, the fears of our mothers and fathers, their mothers and fathers and their mothers and fathers, and so on.

We are a sum of our decisions – our choices have gotten us to where we are today. But most if not all our decisions are based on some kind of fear. Which is not a bad thing, fear is our primal emotion for survival. But some fears we tell ourselves are irrational, figments or has no meaningful impact in our lives. Many of those kinds of fears are narratives we tell ourselves that might result in separation and rejection.

Maybe it’s not too hard to realize or admit we make decisions indirectly or subconsciously because of fear. But it is humbling to admit we are also living in the ripples of generational fears before us. Fears about money. Fears about relationships. Fears about career. Fears about family. Fears about friends. Fears about life and death. Fears of making the wrong decision. Fears about the future. Fears about the past. Fears about acceptance and validation. Fear of instability. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of hope. Fear of hopelessness.

But what do those fears look like, sound like? Maybe a parent has a fear of not having money or lack of job security. Maybe it sounds like, get good grades, go to a good college, get a good job. Maybe the child follows it or doesn’t follow that advice, but whether or not they do or don’t, they are living in the ripple of that fear. Where they’re making decisions based around a fear they might not instinctually have, but may eventually become adopted based on their decision.

We are all connected, living, feeling, reacting to the people, lives, energy around us. Like a butterfly effect, like the ripples in a pond, spreading, touching, affecting in ways unseen and untraceable but moving through all of us.