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…the fittest
Fear is a survival instinct.
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Lost and Found
I think one the scariest thing I remember as a child is getting lost in a department store. Looking around, my mom is gone. Run down the aisle, turn the corner she’s not there. Run back the other way, still not there. A pit in my stomach. Fear, anxiety, panic. Feeling like I’m lost forever. All alone. Nobody knows I’m here. How will I get back home. Fear turns into tears. Fearing the worst. Fear I’m lost forever.
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You are not the same
Day by day, you are never the same person. By the end of today, you will not be the same person you were yesterday. By tomorrow you won’t be the same person you were today. You will have done something that will never be identical, similar maybe, but never the same.
New thoughts. New words. New actions. New interactions.
No matter how you look at it, you will never be the same. What you do today, is changing you for the rest of your life. So why not do something, be open to experiencing and embracing today as if it will change your life forever, because it is, for the better.
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It’s too loud
As a child being in that “isolation”, I became really sensitive to the energy around me. Not understanding what people are saying but having to “read” their energy. To the point where other people’s energy starting becoming too “loud”. Where I wasn’t able to control how other people’s energy effected me, absorbing and taking on other people’s energy. And the other energy was crowding out my own energy.
As I grew older, I think this helped me gain more empathy for people’s struggles and difficulties. But it also affected me negatively, when close friends had depression or anger, I felt depressed and angry. It was very difficult thing to process and sort out.
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Lost & Confused
I remember being in kindergarten, coming home from school and realizing now, that I hadn’t spoken a single word all day. I didn’t understand what was going on. I don’t remember being spoken to. I don’t remember if I’d known what the teacher was saying. It was so isolating, I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know how to talk to anyone. I just remember having to pay careful attention to what was going on, to try and figure out what was going on. I just didn’t want to be lost and confused, which I felt most of the time.
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The language of energy
I believe as a newborn, infant, child that can’t understand or communicate with words yet. They are so aware, sensitive and literate to people’s energy. The way animals can sense people’s energy, they need to rely on their senses instead of words. Babies absorb, taken in, internalize and reciprocate the adult’s energy. But we lose that ability, or rely on it less as we learn to communicate and talk. Maybe rely on our senses less and are convinced of people’s words more, even when they are lying to us.
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Fear is alone
There was something, when we were a child, when we were younger that made us feel afraid. Gave rise to our fears. Maybe we got embarrassed, singled out, made to feel like we’re not good enough, different. The panic, anxiety, stress in the pit of the stomach, the emptiness and isolation. Rejected and separated, no longer part of the group. Now on the outside looking in. So different. So alone. So rejected. How do I get back in? Is that feeling still with us as an adult. Is that fear still real. What things have we done to make sure that fear never comes back to the surface.