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Thought Puzzle
My mind is always working a puzzle. My thought process is always trying to find the most efficient, optimized method that maximizes results and outcome, a way that is sustainable, repeatable and scalable. A sustainable, scalable system.
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Ego is…
Ego is not arrogance, cockiness, brashness.
The Ego is the outer shell.
The Ego is a defense mechanism.
The Ego is the pretense.
The Ego thinks, reacts, acts.
The Ego makes decisions.
The Ego is fueled by fear.
The Ego hides the fear.
The Ego protects the fear.
The Ego preserves its own survival.
The Ego needs the fear to survive.
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…the fittest
Fear is a survival instinct.
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Lost and Found
I think one the scariest thing I remember as a child is getting lost in a department store. Looking around, my mom is gone. Run down the aisle, turn the corner she’s not there. Run back the other way, still not there. A pit in my stomach. Fear, anxiety, panic. Feeling like I’m lost forever. All alone. Nobody knows I’m here. How will I get back home. Fear turns into tears. Fearing the worst. Fear I’m lost forever.
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You are not the same
Day by day, you are never the same person. By the end of today, you will not be the same person you were yesterday. By tomorrow you won’t be the same person you were today. You will have done something that will never be identical, similar maybe, but never the same.
New thoughts. New words. New actions. New interactions.
No matter how you look at it, you will never be the same. What you do today, is changing you for the rest of your life. So why not do something, be open to experiencing and embracing today as if it will change your life forever, because it is, for the better.
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It’s too loud
As a child being in that “isolation”, I became really sensitive to the energy around me. Not understanding what people are saying but having to “read” their energy. To the point where other people’s energy starting becoming too “loud”. Where I wasn’t able to control how other people’s energy effected me, absorbing and taking on other people’s energy. And the other energy was crowding out my own energy.
As I grew older, I think this helped me gain more empathy for people’s struggles and difficulties. But it also affected me negatively, when close friends had depression or anger, I felt depressed and angry. It was very difficult thing to process and sort out.
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Lost & Confused
I remember being in kindergarten, coming home from school and realizing now, that I hadn’t spoken a single word all day. I didn’t understand what was going on. I don’t remember being spoken to. I don’t remember if I’d known what the teacher was saying. It was so isolating, I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know how to talk to anyone. I just remember having to pay careful attention to what was going on, to try and figure out what was going on. I just didn’t want to be lost and confused, which I felt most of the time.