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The story isn’t written
The moment you realize the things you’re telling yourself aren’t for your own good.
You’re so unlucky. Nothing good ever happens to you.
You’ll never get what you want. You don’t deserve it.
You’re not good enough. Don’t even try.How did I let these thoughts ever get in my head?
But once I realized the kinds of things I was telling myself, it was like a reckoning, a purge. And it didn’t even have to be so insidious. They could be subtle, innocuous, seemingly inconsequential. But it all matters.
Once you see the those thoughts, you can’t go back. Suddenly hearing a voice you’d never paid attention to, has become so obvious, loud and conspicuous.
And these negative thoughts aren’t even true or based in reality, it would be just as valid to embrace the opposite positive thoughts. But there’s also the risk of becoming drunk with overly positive, over-estimating thoughts. I think “good” thoughts or “bad” thoughts are both in a way misleading. “Good” thoughts have a way of building up hope and expectation, which can lead to disappointment and heartbreak. “Bad” thoughts might be a way of not building up that hope and expectation but can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Maybe it’s not about trying to judge the situation to try to perceive the expected outcome. Maybe it’s just about doing what you’re doing free from judgment, expectation, not trying to predict or build a story around what you’re doing.
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Willpower. Discipline. Determination. Ambition. Drive. Hustle. The Grind.
When we were a child we heard…
Try your best.
Do your best.
Be your best.And that was good enough, for a while. But then at some point being your “best” wasn’t good enough, we had to be “better”, but “better” means there’s a comparison.
Better than others.
Better than yourself.Being “better” is better but a “better” means there’s also a not better. Don’t want to be on that side. Then comparisons become a competition.
The need to be better than yourself.
The need to be better than others.
Wanting to win. Needing to win. Not wanting to lose. Afraid of losing.We’re taught this competition is the only game and the only way to win. But what if we’re not built this way?
What if I don’t think I’m better than others.
What if I don’t want to be better than others.
What if I don’t have a need to prove I’m the best.Maybe competing with only yourself is the answer, but does it make it more sustainable or avoids purveying the dominant competitive hierarchy.
Yea maybe competing with yourself is slightly less of creating dominant structure, maybe it helps avoid thinking other people are less than or better than, maybe it helps not making everything a competition with everyone and everything is about winning and losing. Maybe it helps not thinking you’re on some scale comparing yourself to other people or helps to not think you’re better than, look down on or less than and put others on a pedestal.
I used to do that, try to tell myself I’m just competing with myself, with who I was yesterday. But it was still hard. I was so hard on myself, made me feel discouraged, and all of it was just a grind of trying to get to the next “win”. Because when I’m competing with myself, I was just replacing others with myself. All of that comparison, competition, judgment, need to be better was now aimed not at someone else but it was all aimed at me. It was very draining and unsustainable. Everyday was a grind of trying to muscle through another day. Stress. Anxiety. Depression. Discouragement. Even physical ailments. Feelings of not meeting expectations, requirements, losing.
So how? How did I get out of that? Actually, just going back to being a child.
Try your best.
Do your best.
Be your best.Comparisons and competition are going to happen but that’s actually external to what we can control. It’s an external construct that people use to judge and make decisions. And that’s okay and I have to be okay with that. But I don’t let it define or make it my identity. All I can do is do the best with what I have at the given time. Bring my best into what I do. Bring all of who I am into what I’m doing. If I do that with conviction, passion, openness, frequency, quality in a sustainable, efficient and optimized process, growth, development and improvement will happen. But I can’t let the competition mindset take over my ambition or motivation. I’m simply doing what I do. A comparison or competition might happen along the way, and others might thing it’s better or less than what’s out there. But that’s okay, it’s a work in progress.
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Bring yourself to what you do
Bring yourself into what you do.
Bring meaning into what you do, by being who you are in what you’re doing.
There is a specific, unique connection to how you’re doing what you’re doing.
Nobody else can do it the way you’re doing it.
It is special, purposeful, meaningful.
That personal connection in how we’re doing it, is the meaning behind what we do.
The meaning isn’t in what we’re doing.
The meaning is the connection between you and what you’re doing.
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Overruled
I hope I can live out, be an example for living out creativity, compassion and empathy in a society ruled by competition, results-oriented methods and fixed-mindset judgment.
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Creativist
To the extend in which I can, in my capacity and responsibilities I think it’s my service to provide a place for art and expression to tell the visual story of the product, company, technology, story with creativity, compassion and empathy.
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Deliverables
Operating from the “creative” side of my personality, I remember having a hard time starting, building or creating things. I think two reasons, first when I would understand and see how to build it, I would lose interest, my curiosity, energy, excitement and motivation for the idea would dissipate. Second, I think maybe because in my head, while it’s in my head, the idea is perfect, it’s untainted. It can’t be questioned, criticized, exposed of all its faults, mistakes and imperfections. Maybe third or related to the second, always waiting for the “perfect” idea to build and ship.
So I began to see some negative consequences start build up because of this mindset, I had more ideas than output or product, basically I had an abundance of ideas with nothing to show for it. Without ever going through the process of starting and building things or starting and not finishing, I was losing valuable experience and learning the process of creation. I was missing the opportunity for feedback and developing my ability to communicate and articulate my work. I was avoiding failure and criticism, which in turn only protected my Ego and prevented me from learning and embracing humility.
I realized anyone and everyone can have ideas, it’s like criticism anyone can complain or point out things but the real work and speciality is seeing solutions and acting on it. The same thing, anyone can have ideas but the blood, sweat and tears is bringing that idea to life. The real intrinsic value isn’t the product or output, it’s the person created through the process of bringing an idea to life.
So what did I do? I decided to put into action on all my ideas. I have a sketchbook, that I throw down all my ideas. Good or bad. Possible or impossible. I might not be able to act on them immediately but if I create the action to write them in my sketchbook than that’s where the live, and I’ve already brought them to life. It’s not a green light or red light that I will go through with them, but at least I’ve put them in a place that allows for more thought and development. Because sometimes, I’ve found a lot of ideas I didn’t have the knowledge, insight or experience to even get started until years later. I guess the difference here is that, previously I felt finished or satisfied with just the thought of an idea and it could just end there. Now here, I see ideas as unfinished, undelivered momentum toward a final deliverable.
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Transition Fatigue
How much fatigue is caused with the act of transitioning between tasks or activities? I mean how difficult is it to change gears, change focus when you’re working on one thing and then need to shift into something totally different. Maybe you’re writing up a document, something that is a solo task, requires introspection, examination and mapped out organization of thought and then you have to go into a meeting, having to listen, speak, engage, state your case, articulate and communicate complex and deep concepts or opinions.
Or maybe it’s transitioning into and out of things you don’t want to do or dread doing. Maybe that’s the real energy drain. Stress or anxiety about something you don’t want to do, or have some low-key fear of doing that is draining you before you even do it. Your thoughts are somewhere else, and it’s requiring you to double, triple your energy to stay focused on what you’re doing in the here and now. The stress is like a wet, heavy blanket weighing you down with every step. The transition is just the crossing point of you not being able to be fully here and fully there. You feel stressed about the impending task and then when you finally get to it you feel stressed and guilty that you couldn’t really focus on the prior one.
I think the only way to neutralize this transition fatigue between tasks is to really be present and connected to what you’re doing in the here and now. Diverting any amount of attention or thought to an upcoming task or regretting the previous effort is splitting your attention, taxing and draining your energy reserve. Give yourself a defined time frame to give what you have, all that you have so that you can do the same for the next activity, without regret without anxiety and stress.