Why are you so afraid? What are you afraid of?
“Why am I afraid? What am I afraid of?…
[Long Silence]
Something blocking, something in the way… of what I know I should do, need to do, but stops me from doing it, like a thousand pound weight on my chest, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to think, but it’s nothing, nothing there. More impossible than overcoming gravity, the overwhelming fear.
So I sit in the status quo, just keeping my head above water, not realizing I’m already under. I’m just used to the water filling my lungs and I tell myself it’s normal, it’s fine, it’s alright.
I question myself. Others question me. But I hate the question. I hate you for asking it. I can’t respond. I won’t respond. I think silence is my shelter but it’s actually my prison.
I hear him. It’s faint. That little me. He wants to say something, he knows he should. But I’ve been with my silence for so long, that little me is weak, dominated, unimportant, hidden away, a prisoner.
So I stay in my silence, the status quo of maintaining an uneasy discomfort. Because the fear is my prison. The idea of facing it is too overwhelming. The fear of failing and being proven I’m worthless, it’s a risk I can’t take. The exterior I’ve built to maintain the status quo, to deal with the outside world, to hide the fear and pain. Unmasking the person I’ve created, I don’t think I’m not going to like who I see.
Stop being afraid? But how? And why should I? I’ve lived with it for so long, having the fear is more comforting than not having it. I can’t imagine my life without it. It gets me by. It’s the answer that tells me who I am. And who am I without it?”
You are a miracle without it. Your are free without it. The impossible is possible without it. You are more of you. You are the version of hope, peace, joy, courage, faith and love. You are the power that brings redemption and salvation into reality. You are the inspiration. You are the light.
[More Silence]
“But how?”
Fearlessness. You need hope, to let yourself believe you will find it, that it’s possible. You need faith so that you can see it, when you do find it. You need grace to let yourself take it when it’s right there in front of you – Salvation. No more judgment. No more condemnation.